If you’re happily partnered, this isn’t the article for you. Go over here.
OK, now that the couples are gone, it’s time to focus on you: singles, the unburdened ones. Don’t worry, this won’t be one of those other list-cles which tries too hard to push the being single is so much fun narrative. While we definitely subscribe to this notion, it’s unrealistic to expect even the happily uncoupled folks to not feel some type of way on Valentine’s Day.
February 14th is full of potential landmines. Team ULTRA has compiled a list of things you can do to get through the “holiday” relatively unscathed.
Avoid dimly lit restaurants.
Tables-for-two – couples love that shit. It’s best to just get takeout to avoid the gag-inducing love fest. Seamless preferred, that way only your delivery guy can judge you.
Dive bars aren’t much better…
While it may seem like binge drinking at a bar is the logical opposite to a romantic dinner, attending your local dive might actually bring you down more. Keeping the neighborhood drunks company isn’t always bad, but wait until they start waxing on loves lost. Not the vibe.
Turn off your phone, stay in and do something for yourself.
Get a massage, do a face-mask, masturbate – whatever self-care looks like for you. You may be lonely, but at least you’ll be relaxed.
Call up your friends and do something fun.
Go out – fuck this capitalistic holiday. Every venue has singles events on Valentine’s Day. If you’re trying to get laid, February 15th at 3 a.m. on the dancefloor is the best place to be; desperation is an aphrodisiac.
If you’re not trying to pick up, though, we suggest karaoke – it’s rowdy and fun, but not necessarily sexy.
Hang out with your family.
Crash your parent’s V-Day plans, they have to love you.
If it gets late and you’re feeling [redacted] – text your ex.
I mean, it’s a holiday – you’re allowed to be a little messy.*
*ULTRA does not assume responsibility for any resulting events.
Take a xanax – take two – and call it a night.
Cheat the system. Valentine’s Day can’t bum you out if you don’t remember it.