My boss called me a “shell of myself” but I think it’s cause I stopped laughing at his jokes. This is the in-depth research of my experiences micro-dosing and everything in between. Having struggled with alcohol consumption, a wise friend of mine told me “if it’s from the ground go to town” and I have seen a positive increase of “aha!” moments in important aspects of my life.

Why I tried it

The last six months have been very transitional for myself; feeling unfulfilled at work, navigating stressful relationships, and struggling with the pandemic affecting my ability to spread my social butterfly wings. I went from being around a lot of energy daily and feeling heavy from all of it to being very isolated. Now, with the help of psychedelics, I am learning how to find my center.

I tried micro-dosing with the random assortment of capsule contents a guy gave me while telling me his psychedelic experiences involved a frog, to which I replied wide-eyed that I wanted to try. While another guy stood there telling me I needed therapy, which quickly outraged me. The unclear contents of those capsules undoubtedly gave me debilitating anxiety. It could have been because I poured it in my coffee on an empty stomach, the fact that I was at work, and the trifecta; when I look at them now, I realize they’re much larger than a true micro-dose. Oops.

The bad and ugly 

After that experience of feeling as though I was floating around like a ghost, I waited a little while before trying again. The next time I tried a legit micro-dose, in chocolate form. Again, although I ate beforehand, I had intense anxiety about an hour into taking them while I was getting a manicure. My fingers started to look stubby; bringing me back to the horrific memories of my very first time trying mushrooms – ingesting 3 grams, 36 hours into a bender – crying, thinking I was dying and that the dogs were barking at me as a result of my body decaying. I tried to pull my headphones out of my purse and put them in to soothe my mind and it was apparent I was irritating the nail tech. I attempted to tune everything out and practically ran out when I was done and proceeded to walk it off – 20 blocks to work. It was much needed exercise and I bought an orange (that used to be rare for me) out of fear anything too heavy would upset my stomach. I didn’t want to be around anyone so I made myself busy in the back at work for the first little while of my shift. Although extremely uncomfortable, the intense emotions I felt during my service helped me to realize things I could step up around my own customer services so I would count this as a fundamental learning experience.

After doing acid one night a month later, thinking it would help me with a creative project I was working on but actually hindering me from doing any work at all, I realized the importance of environment – this was the first time I experienced the Underworld. It was a very dark experience but I felt a sense of direction after. I realized home improvements I needed and began to make them. Also learning how to handle my overwhelming work load. The next month was a whirlwind of changes I was beginning to feel in shambles again; feeling unfulfilled in what I thought would be my work solutions and overwhelming guilt of consciously repeating a negative relationship pattern.

After going through the motions for a little while, taking things day-by-day, not making any drastic decisions, a positive influence came into my life. This person has forever changed my view. A logical thinker that challenged my emotional thinking. When speaking of my challenges amongst telling me the truth of needing to stop playing myself, it was suggested I try micro-dosing.

The good

I feel as though my disastrous attempts to micro-dose stemmed from attempting to consume mushrooms in a way in which no one is meant to start their day with or without. I am 26 years old and only learning now that the majority of people start their day with a glass of water. Although considering I used to start it with a bottle of wine, coffee is an immense improvement, and now water. I feel Holy.

After an evening in which I held a small piece of mushroom and was guided to take a little bit more, I began to get excitable with “what if’s” when I was met with “trust me, you’ll have a good time.” Don’t gotta tell me twice. And I did have a magical experience. The pictures on the wall danced like the love coursing through me. This experience released my fears in more than just consumption. I gained the courage to admit to myself and others that my role at work was not the fit for me, I began removing excuses and eating healthier, and I tapped back into my creativity.

My next experience the proceeding week was with mushroom tea. Blinding Lights to be exact. Colors were vividly enhanced as I drank it while the sun set on the beach. Even after walking away I still had to stop and look between the palm trees in awe at how breathtaking the view was. Walking through the busy streets and feeling the emptiness of the city; every other storefront across blocks are for lease, I began to become overwhelmed. Once home, I sat outside again, feeling the breeze, focusing on my breathing. Recognizing through my overwhelming feelings to bring my awareness back to the present. I do believe to let things go, you have to let them out. I’m grateful for the space I received to listen to my intuition. Psychedelics show you what you need to know, not what you want to know. After this experience, I began to come out of my isolated self and reconnect with friends.

Which led me to another adventure on acid. I felt like a mermaid with my feet in the water, sitting atop rocks and drying off in the sand, making angel figurines. And then I became a fairy in the forest, holding flowers, melting into the dirt, looking up into the trees in awe at the dimension and depth of the bark. I rode up gravel trails and down hills on a bike and I felt so light and free. It was a completely painless experience that filled my heart with gratitude for everything around me.

The present

Moving forward from these experiences I have been micro-dosing regularly and have seen steady improvements in my life and on my outlook. I feel less impulsive in my decisions. I consciously choose to do things that I know will allow me to feel my best. I have been intentional with my days rather than busy but unfulfilled; allowing myself to do what I feel while crossing the necessary tasks off my to do list, in a much more timely manner. I have felt much more stability in my mood in instances that previously have stressed and devastated me. Not only do I feel more grounded in myself, connected with nature and others around me, I have been able to offer a helping hand connecting others.

Moral of my story – sometimes you have to get really high to come back into yourself and down to Earth.

Also very important, it’s Mental Health Awareness Month. Please make sure you are taking care of your self. If you need some resources, you can head over to the National Alliance of Mental Illness, Mental Health America and American Hospital Association.